When One Partner Is a Workaholic: What to Do

When your partner's career dedication feels less like ambition and more like a shadow over your relationship, it's easy to feel lonely and disconnected. You can be proud of their drive while still missing the connection you once shared. If you're looking for ways to bridge that gap, you're in the right place.

This page will help you:

  • Understand the difference between a strong work ethic and workaholism.
  • Recognize the signs that your partner's work habits are harming your relationship.
  • Learn one small, actionable step you can take this week to start a conversation.
Take the test (5 min)

What is a workaholic partner?

A workaholic partner is someone whose compulsive need to work has become excessive and damaging to their personal relationships. It's not just about working long hours; it's an inability to disconnect from work, leading to a significant imbalance where the relationship is consistently deprioritized in favor of career demands. This creates a priority gap that can erode emotional connection and intimacy over time.

The Lonely Side of Ambition: When Career Goals Eclipse Connection

Supporting a partner’s career is one thing; feeling like you’re in a relationship with their job is another. When one partner is a workaholic, the other often feels secondary. This isn't just about missed date nights; it's a fundamental priority misalignment that can leave you feeling unseen and unimportant. The constant intrusion of work—late nights, endless emails, and work-centric conversations—slowly erodes your connection.

Why It Happens: A Mismatch in Priorities

From the Prioritize Us framework:

This is a classic priority mismatch between Career and Relationships. One partner invests heavily in their career for security or fulfillment, while the other values emotional connection and shared time. Neither priority is wrong, but when unbalanced and uncommunicated, the relationship-focused partner often feels neglected.

Signs Your Partner's Work Habits Are a Problem

  • They seem unable to mentally or emotionally disconnect from work, even during weekends or vacations.
  • Conversations are almost always dominated by work-related topics.
  • They consistently cancel or postpone plans for work-related reasons.
  • You feel like you have to schedule appointments to get their attention.
  • They express guilt or anxiety when they are not working.
  • Intimacy and shared hobbies have taken a backseat to their career.

Red Flags vs. Repairable Issues

It can be tough to discern if your partner's work habits are a temporary phase or a deeper issue. Here’s how to tell the difference between a repairable problem and a red flag.

Repairable Issues:

  • Temporary Crunch: Your partner is working long hours to meet a specific, short-term deadline. There's a clear end in sight, and they've communicated this to you.
  • Open to Conversation: When you bring up your concerns, they listen and are willing to discuss ways to reconnect.
  • They Express Remorse: They feel genuinely bad about missing plans or being unavailable and want to make it up to you.
  • Effort to Change: They make a real effort to carve out time for you, even if it's small at first.

Red Flags:

  • Chronic Unavailability: The overwork is constant, with no end in sight. It's just the way things are.
  • Defensiveness: When you try to talk about it, they become defensive, dismissive, or accuse you of not being supportive.
  • No Remorse: They don't see their work habits as a problem and feel justified in their choices.
  • Broken Promises: They repeatedly promise to make more time for you but never follow through.

Mini Case Example: Sarah and Tom

Sarah felt she was losing her husband, Tom, to his startup. He worked constantly, and his mind was always elsewhere. She missed their easy connection and felt a familiar resentment after another canceled date night.

Instead of arguing, Sarah tried a new approach. She said, "I'm so proud of how hard you're working. I also really miss you. Could we find 15 minutes this weekend, just for us, with no phones?"

Tom was surprised and hadn't realized the impact of his work on her. He agreed, and their short, meaningful conversation that weekend was the first step. They started reconnecting by implementing small changes, like no laptop after 8 p.m. and a bi-weekly date night. It was a start.

What to Do This Week: The 15-Minute Contract

This week, find a calm moment and say, "I admire your dedication and know you're busy. I also want to ensure we stay connected. Can we set aside 15 minutes this week to talk without distractions—no phones, no TV, just us?"

This small, specific request is less overwhelming than a vague demand for "more time." It's a concrete, actionable step that can help you open the door to a larger conversation.

Take the test (5 min)

Conversation Prompt

Here's a script you can adapt to start the conversation:

"I want to talk about something that's been on my mind. I'm so proud of your work ethic and everything you're achieving. But lately, I've been feeling a bit disconnected from you, and I miss us. I want to understand what's driving you right now and find a way for us to feel like a team again. What does a good balance between work and our relationship look like to you?"

How the Prioritize Us Test Helps

A high Total Difference Score (TDS) often reflects the priority gap created by workaholism. The Prioritize Us test helps visualize this gap between Career and other priorities like Relationships or Health. This data provides a neutral, non-judgmental starting point for a conversation about your alignment. It’s not about blame, but about understanding your misalignment and finding a path back to each other by discussing what truly matters and how to support each other's needs.

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Frequently Asked Questions

What is the difference between a hard worker and a workaholic?
A hard worker is driven and dedicated but can still switch off and be present in their personal life. A workaholic has a compulsive, unhealthy need to work, and it negatively impacts their relationships and well-being.
How do I talk to my workaholic partner without starting a fight?
Use "I" statements to express your feelings without blaming them. For example, say "I feel lonely when you work late," instead of "You always work late." Focus on a desire for connection, not a criticism of their work.
Can a workaholic change?
Yes, but they have to want to. Change is possible when the person recognizes the negative impact of their behavior and is willing to take steps to create a healthier work-life balance. It often requires setting firm boundaries around work.
What if my partner refuses to acknowledge the problem?
If your partner is unwilling to discuss the issue or make any changes, it may be a red flag. It's important to consider what you need in a relationship and whether those needs are being met. Seeking support from a therapist or counselor can be helpful.
Take the test (5 min)

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